Living with Less BS

For many people blame and shame were strong elements in their childhood.  Consequently, they were conditioned to think a certain way and that thinking pattern carries on today.  Both blame and shame can become habitual and tear away at our lives.  The result is often magnified by other bad habits such as drinking, drugs, hoarding, and impulsive behavior.

 To understand more about how these emotions play out in our lives, let’s discuss them further.

We’ll start with blame.

http://ts4.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4526935416834375&w=165&h=179&c=7&rs=1&pid=1.7

Blame

Blaming others can create a bitter attitude.  However, be aware that others DO NOT upset you, you upset yourself and rather than take responsibility for your upset, you blame others.  It is a vicious cycle and you will become cynical and angry.

One person cannot change another.  You must do what you need to do without trying to change someone else.  Acceptance of the situation will allow you to own your own actions and make changes for yourself. Be responsible for your own emotions and do not use blame to try to control another.

If you are on the other end and feeling blamed then you are allowing someone else to make you feel responsible for their emotions.  Dr. Jordan reports that being a victim of a loved one’s blame leads to self-blame and feelings of guilt. You don’t have to take the bait.  Instead consider what you need to do to make yourself a productive, powerful person in your own life. If both partners agreed to ending blame and chronic criticism just think what could happen! You can read more about how this is done at this site.

Shame

Blame (someone else is wrong) Shame (I am wrong). Shame, branches out into whole new territories of not only feeling responsible, but often, feeling like a total waste as a human. Shame indicates that not only has one done something not intended, but has somehow accidentally fallen into a pattern of doing something so against what one would have done, consciously, if the choice had been given. http://www.wizardrealm.com/Galadriel/guilt.html

Jan Luckingham Fable Writes:  Shamed people build defenses to protect themselves from feeling completely overwhelmed all the time.  She also notes that in order to undo shame, therapy can be helpful, as shame acts to isolate a person from functioning in life, for fear of doing something wrong- again.

Guilt

Guilt (and its relations, shame and blame) have been a plague that has cost humanity untold pain, suffering and despair. They've too often caused us to feel bad about ourselves and to do less than our best. http://www.processcoaching.com/judgment.html

A short writing by: M.Farouk Radwan, MSc

When my mobile loses more than 90% of its battery it keeps flashing every now and then to notify me that it needs to be recharged. When my car’s fuel tank is about to become empty an orange light appears in order to notify me that the fuel is about to run out. When my body's food supply is about to run out my body notifies me via the feeling of hunger.

And when I violate my strongest values my mind sends me a message of disapproval telling me that I shouldn't have done so, that message is called Guilt.

Just like any other emotion, the feeling of guilt is just a message that is sent to you in order to motivate you to take an action to resolve a problem that resulted from violating one of your values.

http://www.2knowmyself.com/dealing_with_guilt/overcoming_guilt/sense_of_guilt_shame

Doug Kelley writes: If there is any good to guilt at all, it is and should be short-lived. For instance, when we do something wrong, our conscience rebukes us. This initial stage is the only beneficial aspect to guilt, since it prompts us to realize our mistake and make the necessary changes.

Healthy people use self-chastisement to steer themselves back on course. They learn the lesson, make amends, modify their behavior, lose the guilt, and move on with life. The problem is that few people can actually do this. It seems that just about everyone feels the pain of guilt over something they have done, or should have done. And where does it get them? Absolutely nowhere.

http://www.empoweredrecovery.com/index.php?page=22

 Catherine Pratt writes: It’s very draining and distressing living with a constant feeling of guilt. It also stops you from making the most effective and efficient decisions. In other words, you’ll end up making bad decisions simply because you’re reacting to those feelings of guilt or it's all you think about.

So, where does guilt really come from and what causes it? And, how do we deal with feeling guilty all of the time?

I think feeling guilty comes down to basically 7 main reasons and usually you'll be dealing with not just one of these but actually a combination of them.

Read more: http://www.life-with-confidence.com/deal-with-feeling-guilty.html#ixzz2o73uSvkV

Cures for blame, shame and guilt:

Exercise, meditation and medication can help relieve the painful feelings. 

Chemical imbalances in the brain can be modified by medication:

http://www.livescience.com/20739-depression-guilt-blame.html

Read more about bad habits of the mind: http://www.teacherneedhelp.com/badhabitsofmind/

http://www.habitsofmind.org/content/about-habits

http://www.finerminds.com/mind-power/bad-habit-subconscious/

http://www.ascd.org/publications/books/108008/chapters/Describing-the-Habits-of-Mind.aspx

Parenting

Parenting

Parenting styles differ and what a parent may feel is important for a child varies from person to person.  I have seen many households run by children and they are anything but stable.  It seems that many modern parents feel that a child should never suffer or struggle.  All the child’s problems are solved by the parent. 

So what’s the child learning?  That life should never be a struggle. And that his or her parents will rescue him or her from all life’s ails. A child who is constantly rescued by the parent does not learn how to think.  Consequently, many adult children who were spoiled as children are often abusive to the parents, demanding that his or her needs continue to be satisfied by the parents.  The adult child (ac) will blame the parent for his or her ailments and demand that the parent “fix” the problem.  The parent, conditioned to save the ac from pain and suffering will do whatever is needed to rescue the ac from the pain.   This rescuing robs the ac from learning how to think or solve problems.  However, the ac has learned how to “reward” the parent with small doses of kindness and approval when he or she wins.  A cycle of reward and punishments is created to meet the ac’s needs, the ac lacks respect for the parents or himself or herself, and is often the victim of relationship abuse, substance abuse, or both.

Certainly, parenting is difficult and there have been many challenges throughout time.

For example, during the depression many children learned that they had to be responsible in order to survive.

http://activerain.com/blogsview/1392208/what-it-meant-to-be-a-child-of-the-depression-erahttp://www.wisebread.com/survival-basics-for-depression-era-kids

Life was hard, but many kids learned to cope with difficulties.

Conversely, modern kids learn quickly how to manipulate their parents.   Many kids are very spoiled, and miserable.  They have no struggles; have no need to think about anything but how to satisfy their own needs.   These children are selfish and disrespectful, but more importantly, they are miserable.  They seem to only find joy in having their own needs met, but then there is always another need, so they are never really satisfied with anything.  They seem to believe that only their own needs are important and that others only exist to meet their needs.  Many kids do not want to be responsible for anything other than that which pleases them.  There seems to be little meaning or purpose in their lives and they appear to be miserable most of the time.

It is no wonder there is more drug abuse, crime, and violence, if children seem to have little purpose or meaning to their existence, they become apathetic and hateful and only find strong negative emotions stimulating.

Contrary to rescuing children from any mishap, there are parents who are aloof and uninterested in their children.  The parents may be consumed by some sort of addiction, drugs, relationships, or work, or just not very interested in being a parent.  Some children of these parents, strangely enough, seem to learn to survive despite being basically ignored by the parents.  The children will often be the responsible ones in the home, doing chores, fixing meals, and making sure their school work is done.

Parenting is a difficult job and a balancing love and support with structure and boundaries can be a challenge.  Children, like adults, seem to function better when they feel a sense of meaning and purpose in their actions. Children can do a lot to help others and therefore learn how to find meaning and joy in life by helping to solve problems and finding purpose in their actions.

Here are some questions to consider:

 How can children become more involved in helping others or developing a skill, rather than glued to video games or on the phone?   

What are some things that children are learning today that will have an impact on their future?

Are there ways that children can be more involved in creative actions rather than passive actions?

What are children learning about relationships? For example, how do they allow others to treat them and how do they treat others?

Here is some interesting information about parenting:

Parenting styles: http://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/parenting-styles.html

http://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/four-basic-parenting-styles.htm

Good parenting advice: http://www.loveandlogic.com/t-parents.aspx

Kindness?

Kindness?

When is kindness taught?

I see a lot of little kid things based on kindness. Sesame Street has a song. There is now a hug me Elmo.  It is very nice that we want to teach kids to be kind, but what about the adults?  Shouldn't this be something that is taught from the top down? Where do you find kindness in each day?

 I recall hearing; “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.”  Are kind people viewed as weak?  Is it better to be a bully?  Do bullies get ahead in life while kind people are kicked around?  Are kind people seen as gullible and venerable?  Do many people fake kindness to get what they want?  

There needs to be a balance and awareness for all people face conflict at some point in life and conflict can be very cruel.  Some people want to believe that if you do good you will get good. Have you tired that one? You can be sure many people will take advantage of you.   One can be kind, but one must also be wise, for always there will be snakes in the grass.

55 and still alive

Hey I have turned 55 and I am still here!!

Year after year I have survived to learn, grow, but I don’t always understand.

I like the song by Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now.  She notes that she

 really doesn't know life at all.

I don’t know that life is every actually understood.

But it is an interesting trip. Wouldn't you agree?

I think life can be so amazing and I am thankful for many miracles in my life.

 And I have learned many things through my work with other people.

 I have seen people survive many things.

The human spirit is an amazing thing.

Always look at the miracles before engaging in the negative mindset.

We are all here, doing this thing called life to the best of our ability.

Be thankful for just being here.

 It is a short journey and a lifetime is not enough to experience everything.

So go out and do something nice for someone and be thankful for the trip called life.

Struggle

Life is a struggle. Life is very difficult at times, and trying to avoid the struggle can make things worse.  When one can overcome life’s challenges or learn to cope with them, then peace follows.  However, there seems to be a growing belief that everyone should be happy and that life should be easy.  Magazines depict happy people, websites show joyful couples, and one is “supposed” to smile when one is in public, lest someone think there is something “wrong” with you and therefore you will need therapy to set straight and get you smiling again.  Overall, we do not like suffering and many avoid the challenges of life.

Coping phrase: Do your best and forget the rest.

If you work hard to do your best and go forward then the challenges can be overcome.

My belief: People that learn to survive through struggle can transform their lives.

I like the analogy of the butterfly story and use butterflies on my business cards to remind myself and others that struggle is a part of life and that it can help us to create a transformation in ourselves if we keep working at it.  If we give up we become debilitated and spin in negative thought.

Here are a few versions of the butterfly story.  I note at the bottom that scientifically this is not always the case, but I still like the story and I think it provides a good analogy to human suffering…it is just necessary for growth.

Christian version: http://butterflystory.homestead.com/

http://www.joyfuldays.com/the-struggle-is-necessary/

Bipolar: http://www.thrivewithbipolardisorder.com/?p=3902

Scientific Fact: This is not always the case. 

 Posted by kcclark z6 OH (My Page) on 

Mon, Dec 15, 08 at 16:18

http://forums.gardenweb.com/forums/load/butterfly/msg1217121623154.html

Relationship BS

Relationships

You CANNOT have a relationship with BS> Blame and Shame.

You cannot have a relationship with yourself when you have bs talk going on in your head.

The thought process of bs would be something like: I am no good. I should be doing better. I should help others, or I should be doing better in some way. I blame myself for failing. I am full of shame that I am not a better person.  I should be able to do better, solve more problems, and help others more. Things are not working and it must be my fault.  You know what comes next: Depression and the negative thoughts create a spiral that continues to wind you down.

You cannot have a relationship with others when bs dominates the relationship.  When you blame others or others blame you emotional pain rises and prevents effective communication from taking place. Also, relentlessly shaming others for their behavior will grind a relationship to dust.  We are humans and therefore fallible.  Shaming another may make him or her feel worthless, but it may not help him or her perform better. Authentic encouragement can go a long way in helping others to function better.   If you fake encouragement, eventually the other will catch on that you are merely manipulating to get your way and you may find that your efforts are resented.

So what is the option?

Demonstrate what you want.  If you want love then be loving, if you want hard work then demonstrate the results of working hard.

Here is an example; if you are in a boat paddling with someone else and you are a better oarsman then the person you are with, show him or her how to paddle rather than criticize what he or she is not doing.

 Instead of wallowing in the bs, think of what needs to be done and how to do it.  There is a lot of time and effort wasted in finding fault.  We all have issues! We are all problematic in some way. What can you DO. How can YOU help? Go forward.  Talk to yourself about what you can do and if you are in a relationship with someone else, how can you BOTH put in more effort? Working together is a powerful way to avert bs that creeps in to any relationship.  Don’t give the bs power.  Instead, be a powerful person. 

Depression Session

11/18/2013

Depression Session;

Depression: affirms the negative, enforces hopelessness and helplessness, encourages a defeatist attitude, and robs a person of ability, often leaving them feeling debilitated and worthless, unable to function, unwilling to try to figure out a better way.

However, it can also encourage a humble attitude and help to direct and re-frame one’s thinking.

When a person is able to pull out of depression, he or she is then able to see that it is not the situation so much as he or she looks at the situation.

Who is prone to depression?

Often very sensitive people, who are caring, giving, and loving sorts that expect life will give back to them the peace and harmony that they feel they resonate towards others.  When life crashes- and things do not go as they expect, depression sets in. 

Wouldn't it be nice for people to work together and care for one another? Wouldn't it be nice to eliminate suffering and live in harmony with all life forms?

Conflict is a way of life and all people must learn how to cope with opposing forces, whether it is a person, or the weather.  We will all struggle at some point in life.

How to get through this without getting crushed?

Perception- Change your perception of how you look at the challenge and step by step you WILL begin to make some changes and little by little things get better.

Ego demands that things must be this way or that. Be with what is in the moment, right now, what is going on? BE HERE NOW…so no regrets and at the moment focus on what you can do not what you can’t do. 

The negative thoughts have great power to pull a person into a fear-based-thought process.  Fear is the precursor to anger and then there is another mess to deal with.

Do something for someone else and rejoice in one thing..just for today.

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."  —Abraham Lincoln

From:  experience@oprahdeepakmeditation.com 

Belief, Hope, Determination

If I could, I would take depression away from the planet. It destroys people from the inside out. So here are a couple of quotes:

You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it serenely
and with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson


Promise me
you'll always remember:
You're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.
Christopher Robin to Pooh

No Matter What

Each day we must get up and show up.

Advice from the Dalai Lama

When the(spiritual) teachings say we need to reduce our fascination with the things of this life, it does not mean that we should abandon them completely. It means avoiding the natural tendency to go from elation to depression in reaction to life’s ups and downs, jumping for joy when you have some success, or wanting to jump out the window if you do not get what you want. Being less concerned about the affairs of this life means assuming its ups and downs with a broad and stable mind. Excerpt from His Holiness the Dalai Lama in On the Path to Enlightenment: Heart Advice from the Great Tibetan Masters

Science and thought stuff in a video

http://www.youtube.com/v/62ennsSjNws?version=3&autohide=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=AzxXWV124q-uIKnXWL17gA&showinfo=1&autohide=1

Pondering how Faith removes Fear

What is fear, but a state of mind? What is faith? Also a state of mind? How do you change from fear to faith? What is a person like who is fear based? The person may engage in constant worry,or may be angry  and hateful. Jealousy is also a form of fear.  Constant fear is a thief that steals our power.  Faith keeps us strong even in the face of fear. Faith is a mindset of perseverance beyond the appearance of outer circumstances. But there must be balance and wisdom beyond emotional reasoning. So what is faith?
 Is all faith religious? I consider myself to be a spiritual person, but not a religious person. I think about the times when I had to have faith. There were many times in my life where things seemed to have gone awry and I had to get past the fear to get through them. I had to believe that something would show up and I would be ok. I would call that faith and I would say I had to believe that something beyond my little human reasoning would help the situation.  Well I am still here and I am ok. I have survived many trials and tribulations. And if you are reading this, my guess is that you have also survived. You learned along the way, maybe became more humble, and moved forward. You did not fall into a black hole so to speak.  Doesn't it seem that when one door closes another opens? Also, there can be power in numbers when people work together life situations work out better. What else is helpful for eliminating fear? Being in the moment, fear triggers anxiety, which is future based, so be in the moment, do what is before you right now and let go of trying to control the future.  I think that is also faith. I can handle today, and I may be able to do that pretty well. I'll bet you can too. If you would like to read more, of course you can Google about the topic. I think there is some good information here, but you may have others that work for you.


http://www.yogananda-srf.org/HowtoLive/Conquering_Fear,_Anxiety,_and_Worry.aspx#.Umz8L_lwo1I

What Love Isn't

Having a partner is a nice thing. It is like having your best friend with you. The relationship itself should  be supportive for each other's growth. But often times if one is not doing the will of the other, then anger arises and jealousy sets in and what was supposed to be love, now becomes a tug-of-war for control over the other.
It is hard to be in love and let go if one person needs to move on, but it is sometimes necessary for growth. But love is not control. Here are two articles related to what love is and isn't

http://www.personalgrowthzone.com/tm200510.html

http://capitalismmagazine.com/2012/05/what-love-is-and-isnt/

You know me, I like the cognitive connection: I like this:

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

― Lao Tzu

Suffering as a part of life

It seems that people suffer at one time or another in their life.  It also seems that many people find it very upsetting not to have things be wonderful for them.  But in suffering we learn, and if we do not learn then we suffer more.  Sometimes it is in accepting the condition that we can learn and grow.

Well it has been awhile.  I have been reading Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. I do believe in what he says and I will share with you some of his quotes: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

“Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl

“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl

My views: called Cassology

http://yogierthanthou.wordpress.com/2013/05/26/my-first-regular-yoga-gig/

http://www.pillarofsalt.com/

http://1ms.net/my-garden-231050.html

4/7/13 First, I will tell you a few things I have found to be true in life. I call this my Cassology, not that it is true for everyone, but I have found it to be true in my life and it may be true for you as well. So here it goes: Life is hard, don't expect that if you are good you will get good. Life is a struggle and change is hard. I don't know if it is at all painful for a caterpillar to become a butterfly, but for humans, it seems, it is difficult and we usually undergo some suffering before we can create our own metamorphosis. In order to allow for change in our lives, we need to avoid getting stuck in the past. So many people are haunted by woulda, shoulda, coulda and for that I would say, how much can you be in the present? I use the example of Lot's Wife. . Here is more on the biblical story if you would like to read it. I see it as this: If you look backwards in your life, you can get stuck and as salt preserves(the memories) it can also keep you stuck in the past till you find that you cannot move forward. Go forward, staying stuck does not help anyone. Use what you have learned to move on, don't speed a lot of time beating yourself up. If we compare life to a garden, then we must focus on what we are growing and not the weeds. So if a person wants to have a nice relationship, focus on what is going well and not what should be better. We will have problems, but if we use what is workable, then we can be more productive and enjoy the fruits of our labors. The weeds will show up anyway and we will control them as we are able, but don't make them the focus or you will not be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Pick 2-3 things that you want to achieve and stay on the path towards making them happen, do not wander off the path. You will be a happier person if you stay focused. You will experience more joy and freedom than if you wander around and achieve nothing.