Children and Chores

Getting Kids To Listen Getting kids to follow through, be respectful If you get a puppy you know that you will have to train it not to pee on the rug and eat your shoes. Children also have to be taught and trained. Yet, we give them more chances than we would a dog. How many times do you allow the dog to pee on the rug before there is a consequence? Yet, how many times do you tell your child to stop playing the game before there is a consequence? Isn’t the child smarter than the dog? Why do you give the child so many chances? If you run your home more like a business, then you will find you have less problems and you are less stressed. Children are not stupid, and we don’t need some complicated method for communicating with them. They manipulate because they are so smart. So your job is to be a good business manager and stay one step ahead of them, knowing they are going to try and manipulate you. You don’t need to get upset or yell, or get out of control. You simply use consequences and let things run their course. But NOTE THIS WELL: If the child has been manipulating you for awhile, things will probably get worse before they get better when you change your strategy, the child, being very smart will turn up the heat and resist your efforts even more. Here is a tip for getting kids to do as you ask: You will need: 3x5 cards in at least 3 different colors. Pens and markers, and maybe stickers if you want You and the child or children will use one card for each request. Example: Feed the dog, Expected time to do chore 10 minutes You and/ or the child write on the cart the request and time expected to complete the task. Make sure you give the child some power when doing this task. Allow the child to have some say on how the card is written, the color of the card, and possibly how much time the task will take. You can use the colors for different children, or priority of tasks, or you can have an exchange system, where if the child has an orange card, he or she returns it to you for a blue card, which has 10 min of video time on it. The child can exchange the card for the time, or save a few cards for extended time. Here is how this should work: Rather than telling the child to do something, you present him or her with the request card. You allow a window of time, maybe 10 min or 1 hour, this may vary, you may be ok with it as long as it gets done before bedtime. Giving a window of time allows the child to have a little power and that little bit can be very empowering for a child. If the child refuses to do the task then: Please do not get into a power struggle. Kids often LOVE power struggles and you have just been hooked or manipulated by the child (see how smart they are!). NO nagging, tell the child to think about it, do NOT argue, that is what the child wants you to do. If you do not get the card back and the child fails to do the task. You do not need to get angry, you can simply do the chore yourself and log the time it took for you to do it and the next time the child wants to go out, or buy something, or have you do something, you let him or her know that you are unable to as you had to use that time to make up for the chore. You can be sorry for the child, letting him or her know that you really wanted to go to the park, or have ice cream, or allow for video time. You may or may not choose to turn off the video game, but the goal is to teach the child to think, not necessarily to punish. Strong willed children will take you to the task and find a way to get revenge. This type of tug of war can go on for a long time and the child will wear you down. For that was the goal of the child all along. You must become like a detective rather than a policeman, and be a step ahead, rather than looking to punish some wrong-doing. Also, you can post a Bill of Rights 1. You have the right to take good care of yourself and your home. 2. You have the right to buy what you want to eat. 3. You have the right to use your time as you see fit. 4. You have the right to use your money as you see fit. 1a.Selfish parents often have very obedient children, why? Because a parent’s approval is very powerful and a child will often do whatever it takes to get even a little praise. A child may model good habits of a hard working parent. However, a child can be selfish as well, and if he or she knows that you put him or her before yourself, then expect that the child will take full advantage of the opportunity to use you and abuse you. You will probably not get respect and admiration as you think you may deserve. Children learn how to survive in this world as well and if you give and give, they grow up believing that the world owes them. 2b. Children get hungry and they eat. They do not have to have special sugary snacks or treats. A balanced diet is what they need and as long as you provide that then you do not need to do more. You could eat the same foods for a week or so, as long as you provide a balanced meal. You have the power as to what you buy to feed the children and it is not mandatory for you to provide treats. YOU decide what is allowed. The child can earn treats. 3c. You are the adult and you choose how wisely or unwisely you will use your time. If you do not want to go to the mall then don’t go. Teach the child that your time is valuable and that the child can earn a ride to a friend's house, but you do not owe it to him or her. And if the child responds with, “That’s not fair!” Then you respond with, “Probably so”. 4d. Children are not entitled to a parent's money. If you give and give to your child because you think you are being a wonderful parent, then you are teaching your child that greed is good and the child learns that getting stuff is essential to his or her well-being. A child with a lot of stuff is seldom a happy, well- adjusted child. Most often the child is often angry, greedy, and lazy. The child does not take pride in his or her actions and has no empathy for others. We want our children to be happy, but more important is to teach them to think. Children should not grow up feeling entitled. Childhood is a very small time span compared to adulthood. If you give and give to your child because you want him or her to be happy, then you are not teaching the child to think. It is better to be a wise parent than a wonderful parent. Life is hard and in adulthood we do not always get our way. Teach a child to cope with difficulty they the child will learn how to problem solve rather than just manipulate. Recommended books: Parenting with Love and Logic Postive Discipline Links: http://peaceinyourhome.com/the-four-mistaken-goals-of-misbehavior/ http://www.positivediscipline.org/Resources/Documents/Positive%20Discipline%20Concept%20Charts.pdf http://www.slideshare.net/KatKathyKathleenmuah/misbehavior-or-mistaken-behavior www.positivediscipline.com/files/MistakenGoalChart.pdf‎ http://www.examiner.com/article/positive-discipline-parenting-tool-adler-s-mistaken-goals-of-behavior http://www.loveandlogic.com/ A Child Learns What They Live: http://www.empowermentresources.com/info2/childrenlearn-long_version.html Books: http://store.positivediscipline.com/positive-discipline-book.html http://www.abebooks.com/Parenting-Love-Logic-Teaching-Children-Responsibility/12071610758/bd?cm_mmc=gmc-_-gmc-_-PLA-_-v01