Living with Less BS

For many people blame and shame were strong elements in their childhood.  Consequently, they were conditioned to think a certain way and that thinking pattern carries on today.  Both blame and shame can become habitual and tear away at our lives.  The result is often magnified by other bad habits such as drinking, drugs, hoarding, and impulsive behavior.

 To understand more about how these emotions play out in our lives, let’s discuss them further.

We’ll start with blame.

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Blame

Blaming others can create a bitter attitude.  However, be aware that others DO NOT upset you, you upset yourself and rather than take responsibility for your upset, you blame others.  It is a vicious cycle and you will become cynical and angry.

One person cannot change another.  You must do what you need to do without trying to change someone else.  Acceptance of the situation will allow you to own your own actions and make changes for yourself. Be responsible for your own emotions and do not use blame to try to control another.

If you are on the other end and feeling blamed then you are allowing someone else to make you feel responsible for their emotions.  Dr. Jordan reports that being a victim of a loved one’s blame leads to self-blame and feelings of guilt. You don’t have to take the bait.  Instead consider what you need to do to make yourself a productive, powerful person in your own life. If both partners agreed to ending blame and chronic criticism just think what could happen! You can read more about how this is done at this site.

Shame

Blame (someone else is wrong) Shame (I am wrong). Shame, branches out into whole new territories of not only feeling responsible, but often, feeling like a total waste as a human. Shame indicates that not only has one done something not intended, but has somehow accidentally fallen into a pattern of doing something so against what one would have done, consciously, if the choice had been given. http://www.wizardrealm.com/Galadriel/guilt.html

Jan Luckingham Fable Writes:  Shamed people build defenses to protect themselves from feeling completely overwhelmed all the time.  She also notes that in order to undo shame, therapy can be helpful, as shame acts to isolate a person from functioning in life, for fear of doing something wrong- again.

Guilt

Guilt (and its relations, shame and blame) have been a plague that has cost humanity untold pain, suffering and despair. They've too often caused us to feel bad about ourselves and to do less than our best. http://www.processcoaching.com/judgment.html

A short writing by: M.Farouk Radwan, MSc

When my mobile loses more than 90% of its battery it keeps flashing every now and then to notify me that it needs to be recharged. When my car’s fuel tank is about to become empty an orange light appears in order to notify me that the fuel is about to run out. When my body's food supply is about to run out my body notifies me via the feeling of hunger.

And when I violate my strongest values my mind sends me a message of disapproval telling me that I shouldn't have done so, that message is called Guilt.

Just like any other emotion, the feeling of guilt is just a message that is sent to you in order to motivate you to take an action to resolve a problem that resulted from violating one of your values.

http://www.2knowmyself.com/dealing_with_guilt/overcoming_guilt/sense_of_guilt_shame

Doug Kelley writes: If there is any good to guilt at all, it is and should be short-lived. For instance, when we do something wrong, our conscience rebukes us. This initial stage is the only beneficial aspect to guilt, since it prompts us to realize our mistake and make the necessary changes.

Healthy people use self-chastisement to steer themselves back on course. They learn the lesson, make amends, modify their behavior, lose the guilt, and move on with life. The problem is that few people can actually do this. It seems that just about everyone feels the pain of guilt over something they have done, or should have done. And where does it get them? Absolutely nowhere.

http://www.empoweredrecovery.com/index.php?page=22

 Catherine Pratt writes: It’s very draining and distressing living with a constant feeling of guilt. It also stops you from making the most effective and efficient decisions. In other words, you’ll end up making bad decisions simply because you’re reacting to those feelings of guilt or it's all you think about.

So, where does guilt really come from and what causes it? And, how do we deal with feeling guilty all of the time?

I think feeling guilty comes down to basically 7 main reasons and usually you'll be dealing with not just one of these but actually a combination of them.

Read more: http://www.life-with-confidence.com/deal-with-feeling-guilty.html#ixzz2o73uSvkV

Cures for blame, shame and guilt:

Exercise, meditation and medication can help relieve the painful feelings. 

Chemical imbalances in the brain can be modified by medication:

http://www.livescience.com/20739-depression-guilt-blame.html

Read more about bad habits of the mind: http://www.teacherneedhelp.com/badhabitsofmind/

http://www.habitsofmind.org/content/about-habits

http://www.finerminds.com/mind-power/bad-habit-subconscious/

http://www.ascd.org/publications/books/108008/chapters/Describing-the-Habits-of-Mind.aspx

Parenting

Parenting

Parenting styles differ and what a parent may feel is important for a child varies from person to person.  I have seen many households run by children and they are anything but stable.  It seems that many modern parents feel that a child should never suffer or struggle.  All the child’s problems are solved by the parent. 

So what’s the child learning?  That life should never be a struggle. And that his or her parents will rescue him or her from all life’s ails. A child who is constantly rescued by the parent does not learn how to think.  Consequently, many adult children who were spoiled as children are often abusive to the parents, demanding that his or her needs continue to be satisfied by the parents.  The adult child (ac) will blame the parent for his or her ailments and demand that the parent “fix” the problem.  The parent, conditioned to save the ac from pain and suffering will do whatever is needed to rescue the ac from the pain.   This rescuing robs the ac from learning how to think or solve problems.  However, the ac has learned how to “reward” the parent with small doses of kindness and approval when he or she wins.  A cycle of reward and punishments is created to meet the ac’s needs, the ac lacks respect for the parents or himself or herself, and is often the victim of relationship abuse, substance abuse, or both.

Certainly, parenting is difficult and there have been many challenges throughout time.

For example, during the depression many children learned that they had to be responsible in order to survive.

http://activerain.com/blogsview/1392208/what-it-meant-to-be-a-child-of-the-depression-erahttp://www.wisebread.com/survival-basics-for-depression-era-kids

Life was hard, but many kids learned to cope with difficulties.

Conversely, modern kids learn quickly how to manipulate their parents.   Many kids are very spoiled, and miserable.  They have no struggles; have no need to think about anything but how to satisfy their own needs.   These children are selfish and disrespectful, but more importantly, they are miserable.  They seem to only find joy in having their own needs met, but then there is always another need, so they are never really satisfied with anything.  They seem to believe that only their own needs are important and that others only exist to meet their needs.  Many kids do not want to be responsible for anything other than that which pleases them.  There seems to be little meaning or purpose in their lives and they appear to be miserable most of the time.

It is no wonder there is more drug abuse, crime, and violence, if children seem to have little purpose or meaning to their existence, they become apathetic and hateful and only find strong negative emotions stimulating.

Contrary to rescuing children from any mishap, there are parents who are aloof and uninterested in their children.  The parents may be consumed by some sort of addiction, drugs, relationships, or work, or just not very interested in being a parent.  Some children of these parents, strangely enough, seem to learn to survive despite being basically ignored by the parents.  The children will often be the responsible ones in the home, doing chores, fixing meals, and making sure their school work is done.

Parenting is a difficult job and a balancing love and support with structure and boundaries can be a challenge.  Children, like adults, seem to function better when they feel a sense of meaning and purpose in their actions. Children can do a lot to help others and therefore learn how to find meaning and joy in life by helping to solve problems and finding purpose in their actions.

Here are some questions to consider:

 How can children become more involved in helping others or developing a skill, rather than glued to video games or on the phone?   

What are some things that children are learning today that will have an impact on their future?

Are there ways that children can be more involved in creative actions rather than passive actions?

What are children learning about relationships? For example, how do they allow others to treat them and how do they treat others?

Here is some interesting information about parenting:

Parenting styles: http://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/parenting-styles.html

http://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/four-basic-parenting-styles.htm

Good parenting advice: http://www.loveandlogic.com/t-parents.aspx

Kindness?

Kindness?

When is kindness taught?

I see a lot of little kid things based on kindness. Sesame Street has a song. There is now a hug me Elmo.  It is very nice that we want to teach kids to be kind, but what about the adults?  Shouldn't this be something that is taught from the top down? Where do you find kindness in each day?

 I recall hearing; “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.”  Are kind people viewed as weak?  Is it better to be a bully?  Do bullies get ahead in life while kind people are kicked around?  Are kind people seen as gullible and venerable?  Do many people fake kindness to get what they want?  

There needs to be a balance and awareness for all people face conflict at some point in life and conflict can be very cruel.  Some people want to believe that if you do good you will get good. Have you tired that one? You can be sure many people will take advantage of you.   One can be kind, but one must also be wise, for always there will be snakes in the grass.