codependency traits

The Common Traits of Codependency
There may be a few or several things that you identify with. Be honest and rate yourself from 1-5 if you identify.
1. I use things/people/ externally to feel good about myself internally
2. Difficulty identifying feelings accurately: Angry, lonely, scared, sad
3. Difficulty letting go of the past (unforgiveness, resentments, sadness)
4. I blame others behaviors for how I feel
5. Difficulty setting boundaries for myself
6. I take things personally and it affects my day
7. Difficulty forming or maintaining personal relationships
8. People either control me, or I control others
9. I question if my needs are important in relationships
10. Need approval from others to be OK
11. Difficulty dealing with conflict. Afraid to tell others what you really think and want
12. Have anxiety and fear a lot of the time
13. Have feelings of “not good enough” or shame often
14. Put others needs before my own. Rescue others at times
15. Have trouble having fun and enjoying life
16. Stay stuck in unhealthy relationships
17. Not owning your own power/give my power over to others
18. Use food to comfort myself and stuff emotions
19. Tend to have a lot of drama in my life with my relationships
20. Put others needs and wants before your own to please others
21. Fear being rejected and abandoned by others/trust issues

This list is from: WWW.INSIDEOUTWELLNESSCOACH.COM

Ok, you may have some traits, but try not to get stuck on being stuck. All people experience some sort of disorder emotionally or mentally. It is what fortunately and unfortunately makes us human. So do not put too much emphasis on the list, just know that you are human and that emotions can be tricky business. Focus on what you do well and do more of that so that you are putting more attention on who YOU are and what YOU do and less focus on what others are doing and how they are behaving. Some people are caught up in codependency because they look to others to take care of them. They often look for validation from others in order to feel secure with themselves. This creates a vicious cycle of feeling secure and then blaming others when the person does not feel secure.
Another form of co-dependence is one who takes on people to take care of, because this helps them find meaning and purpose in their lives. They hate to lose that person that depends on them because then they feel this horrible loss, as if purpose and meaning has been sucked out of their lives.
Both are wrong assumptions of relationships. The reality is that people will come and go in your life and having a relationship should be more of a live and let live attitude that will allow you to observe what is going on without getting caught up in it. Being involved with others in a manner that allows for the ebb and flow of life is the best way to engage in a relationship. But, that is easier said than done, for we are emotional beings and we often take the actions of others personally.
So how does one become more self-reliant? It is a process that takes time, because you did not get here overnight and you will not get out that way. (Maybe someday technology will create a quick fix, but for now, it is an inside job that we must do). So for now, I am going to refer you to some material that I thought to be very helpful. You will no doubt notice it refers to bipolar people, but please don’t let that detour you. Give it a try. It is only a starting place, but mindfulness on a problem can reveal a solution that has a long lasting impact, much better than acting out of fear and impulsiveness. http://www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf